Category: Faith

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Faith Goals Self-care

Power In Weakness

Every Wednesday night, our church does Care Night to reach those who are struggling with anxiety, isolation, and addictions. Recently, our Care Night Pastor was encouraging people to attend and talked about how there is power in our weakness. We find God’s strength when we are able to admit our weaknesses and trust in him. Those words really struck a chord with me.

I’ve been learning a lot about vulnerability and sharing my weaknesses this past year. I’ve always been a perfectionist and I hold things close to the chest. Even when I try to be “in the moment” there is a since of control to it. I recently saw a video of me singing on worship team. I remember feeling to free to move to the music and raise my hands, yet as I watched the video, I was surprised how controlled my motions seemed. Apparently, 43 years of perfectionism is hard to break!

The problem is that being perfect pushes people away. And to be honest, being perfect is exhausting. There’s so much self-doubt, self-criticism, and loneliness. I try so hard to be perfect on the outside, but I’m a mess on the inside.

Not Perfect

I’m not perfect. I have nervous ticks that come out even more when I’m stressed — from rolling my eyes, to scrunching my nose, to slightly nodding my head or stretching. It’s embarrassing to me because it is such an obvious physical imperfection. My daughter struggles with anxiety/OCD and is getting a tween attitude that leaves me at my wits end and struggling to know how to help her. I’m more angry, frustrated, and depressed than I want to admit. But that’s okay. God’s power and strength is found in my weakness.

My previous church talked a good game about grace and forgiveness, but made it clear that if you didn’t appear perfect (say the correct things, be involved in certain ministries, wear the right clothes), you didn’t fit in their church. It hurt. But in my feelings of weakness, God led me to a church that values our differences, welcomes us, cares for us, and points us to our Savior. I find myself being more vulnerable and real with people…and they still want to hang out with me! 😉

Be Real

Jennie Allen gives a great example of being known, not perfect, in her book Get Out of Your Head. She writes:

“I met a new friend after the move to Dallas. Ellen is sophisticated and always says the right thing…she was the kind of new friend who is so awesome, you feel intimidated to be around her (though she would never want you to). The first time we met, I remember playing it safe. I thought I’d hold back and feel her out.

“But the second time, I decided to go for it. I was all of me — opinionated, loud, honest, and passionate. She laughed and started calling more often. She liked me in all my chaotic glory.”

When we stop trying to be perfect and share who we are with others — strengths and weaknesses — that’s when the deep relationships form. That’s where God can meet us and grow us.

As I have been willing to share my hurt and pains with others, I’m realizing that I’m not alone and creating deeper friendships. God is bringing joy and healing to my heart by being real and weak. I’m thankful for recent women in my life with whom I’ve been unapologetically me…and felt known and loved.

And I’m thankful for God’s hope and strength in my weakness.

“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

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Faith Family

Time to Lose Control

Our sermon this past Sunday at church was about respecting authority. While my parents did a great job of teaching me to show respect to others, I’m also a control freak.

I’m not sure if you’re familiar with enneagram, but I’m a 8w9. As an enneagram 8, I like to be in control and I don’t like to be controlled by others. Not a great combo when it comes to how I deal with authority!

And the past couple of years have caused even more stress for this control freak! People telling me to stay home, wear a mask, get tested, etc. There is already so much I can’t control (weather, gas prices, etc.) that these additional requirements about sent me over the edge.

On top of all the pandemic nonsense, we went through some really tough stuff last year that I was out of my control and left me helpless and broken. And when I feel that way, I find myself desperately searching for something to control — which usually ends up being my husband and kids.

Loving or Controlling?

Instead of being a team player with my husband, I’ve been digging my heels in on issues (where we both have valid points) and trying to control God’s story for his life. I want to rush him through his healing process and take away his pain. Countless times he reminds me that I don’t get to dictate his feelings. That w9 of my enneagram (8w9)…that’s me wanting peace and happiness. So, I try to control my husband and my kids’ feelings to get to a state of peace and happiness, instead of just listening and letting them move at their own pace.

My 10-year-old daughter (who struggles with OCD and anxiety — which I definitely have no control over) keeps telling me that I’m not listening to her. I am listening, but I’m trying to fix her problem or make her feel better…control how she feels. What she’s trying to tell me is that she wants me to just listen and allow her to feel. She doesn’t want the solution or for me to show her the flip side of the coin. She wants to be heard and validated.

And I get it. Because I hate when people do that to me too. I want to be able to tell my frustrations and process through it, not have someone tell me what to think.

What’s the Solution?

Ultimately, it’s about trusting God. Trusting Him with those I love. Trusting God with the future. And trusting that He cares for my family more than I do and will handle every situation. I’m learning that, even when everything feels out of control, God is in control. And I’m trying to learn to let go, listen more, and let people be.

And this is how I can best love the people in my life.

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Faith Health and Wellness

Slowly Fading

Eight and a half years ago I was diagnosed with asthma. It wasn’t what I thought it would be like or how it looks in the movies. There was no gasping for air or breathing into a paper bag. It started with a cough that cracked a rib.

Every July for about 3 years, I developed a cough that persisted for weeks. In the summer of 2013, I actually coughed so hard that I cracked a rib. I had a chest x-ray and Mammogram that all came back normal. After two months, my doctor recommended that I see a Pulmonologist. I was skeptical, but my husband convinced me to keep the appointment. I told this doctor my issue and right away he told me I had asthma and had me do a breathing treatment. Holy cow! I immediately felt a difference!

The little things I had been feeling the past few years finally made sense! I didn’t have as much breath support while singing and just thought I was tired. Earlier that summer, I saw a doctor because my breathing felt like I was pregnant when I ran. I struggled through a half marathon where I should have felt fine. But because it was all so small, I never realized how it was impacting me.

After the treatment, I was able to take a full breath — one that I hadn’t been able to do in years. From then on, my runs felt better, I was energized, and had full breath support when singing! Now, I know exactly what to look for and how to fix it.

A Life Lesson

I remember telling my dad that this story would make a great sermon illustration. 😉 Well, it definitely is a mirror of my spiritual life the past few years.

I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts how God has brought me back to life the past seven months. For years, I was drawing from an empty well. I left church services frustrated and tired, trying to fill my heart and soul through personal worship and devotions alone.

This past August, God led me to a new church. From the moment I stepped in the doors, I felt alive. Since then, that empty well is full to overflowing and I feel as if I have fallen in love with Jesus all over again.

And I have seen huge changes in the little things! I am more open and vulnerable with people. I’m reaching out to others more (where I used to keep to myself). My desire for church and community has grown. Most importantly, my worth is found in Jesus and not in my husband or anyone else.

Just like the air in my lungs, my love for others and my love for Jesus was slowly fading away. But God has used my experience to breathe new life into me!

Praise God that he uses everything in our life to guide us, to point us to him, and to fill our souls!

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Faith Family

15 Years and Counting!

15 years ago I said, “I do!” to the love of my life. It’s been a roller coaster of good and bad, joy and tears, but I wouldn’t change a thing. My life and who I am as a person is so much better because of my husband. Here’s just a few things that make my husband so amazing…

Not only is my husband incredibly hot (I mean, he just gets better with age!), but he’s incredibly kind and caring. He is the first in line to help a friend move or solve a computer issue. He coaches our kids admirably and shows an amazing amount of patience with all the players. He is the Dungeon Master to six junior high boys 1-2 times/month at our house…I mean, he should be given sainthood for that alone! 😉

He has taught me how to love and care for others, to be less judgmental, and to truly grasp the Gospel. My faith and love for Jesus and others has grown because of him. He encourages me to interact with others and develop friendships. Most importantly, he loves me even when I’m controlling (enneagram 8 over here!) and overbearing. He loves me when I’m emotional and critical. He loves me for me.

The crazy thing is, he has no idea how amazing he is and how worthy he is of love. Even in his worst moments (and we all have them), I see the incredible man that God created and all the great things God has in store for his life. My deepest desire for him is that he will truly know how loved he is by me, our children, and God.

15 years is a great time to celebrate, however, every day with him is one to celebrate. He is the love of my life and I’m forever grateful to God for husband and best friend.

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Faith Self-care

Control Freak

If you’re familiar with enneagram, I’m an 8w9. The 8 means that I like to be in control and don’t want anything to control me. The w9 means that I have a peacemaker side. How this often looks in my life as an 8w9 is that I want to control people’s emotions and have everyone be happy.

I used to think that I wasn’t an empathetic person, however that isn’t true. My empathy just has a time limit. Meaning, I will empathize with you, but then I want to get you feeling better again. Yes, I am great at seeing the silver lining and finding the blessing in the pain, but I tend to rush people to feel better. I want them to “shake off” the emotional pain as if it were just a scraped knee.

But, I need to be willing to sit with people in their pain and not rush them. God isn’t in a rush, so why should I be?

Job’s Faith

I’ve been reading through the book of Job in the Bible recently. Job is known as “blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil.” Satan comes to God and claims that Job would curse God if you took everything away from him. God disagrees. He know Job will remain faithful.

Job loses everything! His livestock, his farm, his children, and eventually his health as well. He is utterly destitute and miserable. Job doesn’t sit and think about how blessed he is or look for the silver lining. Job is mad a God. He is severely depressed and wishes he was never born. BUT, he never turns from God and curses him.

I love that God has the book of Job in the Bible because it reminds us that it is okay to feel mad at God and/or depressed. He can handle it. So, hold tight to the truth of God through the hard time. Job trusted God even through the hard, even as he waited for a change.

In the meantime, I’m going to work on letting people “feel” and not trying to manipulate or control their feelings. Because it’s okay to have feelings, it’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay to be hurt. And it’s also okay to find joy and see God’s work even while your still struggle. God’s not in a rush — we don’t need to be either.

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Faith Self-care

Empowered

The top of my LinkedIn profile says “Empowering Freedom” and below my profile picture it says “Empowering women to design a life they love.” I talk a lot about empowering women and moms, but what does that actually mean?

Empowerment is defined as the process of becoming stronger and more confident. On LinkedIn, it’s about women finding their way in business and their personal lives. I believe that as women, we were created to do so many things and that we can do big things! I want women to feel empowered to thrive in life.

However, society says that what you need is inside you and you just need to dig deeper to find it — that you are to rely on yourself and no one else. It says that empowerment is taking control of one’s life and claiming one’s rights.

But I believe true empowerment is found in Jesus Christ. See, the amazing thing about Jesus, it that he was all about women’s empowerment! Jesus took women from a place of shame (in their culture at that time) and gave them honor…and he still does today!

If you want to know what a strong woman is, look to the Bible. If you want an example of a man bringing honor and empowerment to women, look to Jesus. You don’t need to look to yourself, you just need to trust Jesus and look to him for the honor, respect, strength, confidence, and power he has given to you already.

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Faith Family Goals

Happy New Year?

It’s a New Year! A time where people make new goals, dream about the upcoming year, and hope that things are better than the last year.

I was looking back at my social media posts from last year…you know, the ones with champagne and talking about making 2021 the best year yet…and it broke me. 2021 was hard. The first seven months brought challenges and betrayal that I never imagined (I share my journey in previous blog posts). It was really hard. And, yes, God in his amazing grace, redeemed the final months and brought peace, joy, and unity to my life and relationships. My faith is deeper and more real that it has been in years…praise Jesus through the hard.

But, as the calendar moves into 2022, I’m wary. To be honest, I’m afraid that 2022 will start of the same as 2021…God did amazing things in the life of me and my family, but I don’t want to go through that hardship again.

(It’s silly, but last year was the first NYE that my husband and I were in two different locations — we didn’t get to bring in 2021 together. So, I told him that I didn’t care what we did for NYE this year, as long as I was with him. As if that was what threw off 2021. 🙄🤣 )

I’m working to trust God and his goodness — that he will continue to provide and care for me and my family. But, I’m entering 2022 slowly. I’m not dreaming big dreams or planning big goals. There is no word of the year for me this year, etc. I’m simply going to take each day as it comes (I mean, I’ll still be planning things — it’s what I do) and trust God. I’m not going to try to force his hand and rush his schedule for my life.

Maybe you’re like me. Has the weight of life’s issues made you wary of the new year? I still have hope and joy, just taking it one step at time. Because if there’s one thing I learned in 2021, it’s that God is by my side through all my trials, that he is standing in the fire with me, and I have joy because of how he has brought me through every battle.

“There was another in the fire, standing next to me. There was another in the water, holding back the seas. And if I ever need reminding of how good He’s been to me, I’ll count the joy in every battle, ’cause I know that’s where He’ll be.” Another In The Fire

Here’s to the New Year and taking one day at a time, trusting God’s plan, and digging deeper in all my relationships.

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Faith Family Goals

This Is Me

Today, December 13th, is my 43rd birthday and I’m amazed at how fast this year has flown by! This year had it’s ups and downs, but overall, I feel amazing and that the Lord brought me back to life this year.

I know that many people dread getting older, but the deeper I get in to my 40s, the more I love it! Yes, my hormones can be a little wacky, but I’ve found some natural ways to keep them under control. I’ve had to cut back on some of my running miles, but I’ve become stronger and have learned to appreciate rest, stretching, and a good walk. I love being in my 40s, because I am comfortable in my skin and being who God created me to be…not just saying it to convince myself (ahem…30s), but truly feeling it deep in my soul.

I’ve seen amazing growth in my relationships. I’m more honest and real with how I feel…and less second guessing everything I do. Instead of having pity parties about how I don’t feel seen or understood (how I don’t fit in), I’ve embraced the way God made me and the result…I’m more fully able to love the people around me — my husband, my kids, my parents, my friends, my neighbors, and those I’ve never met.

I feel my age. I know that sounds weird, but there were so many times in my 30s, that I would still think of myself as 18…and then get upset when I didn’t look or feel that young. Now, I’m stronger and healthier than I was 10+ years ago, but I “feel” my age in the wisdom and perspective that comes with getting older. This means that I’m not trying to be a younger version of me, but embracing where I currently am.

Don’t get me wrong — I still say and do stupid things and second guess myself. But, I am growing with each new year and becoming more of the woman God has created me to be. I rest in the love of my Heavenly Father, able to fully love myself and others.

Thank you, Lord, for your continued work in my life, year after year. I’m excited to see what you have planned for this next year!

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Faith Family

Give Thanks

Although I try to live a life of constant gratitude, Thanksgiving is a great time to reflect on all the good that God has done this past year.

I’ll be honest, the first seven months of 2021 were hard for our family. God took us through the fire and cut some big anchors, but through it all, his promises remain true: he is good and loving and has a plan for me and my family.

True to his Word, the past four months have been filled with incredible joys. God took the really hard and used it for His good and our good.

I’m thankful for my incredible husband — for his amazing servant’s heart and love for me and how God has grown our marriage and made it stronger. This year has grown his love for our our neighbors, his patience, and his grace. His response to the hard has blown me away.

I’m thankful for how God has worked in my son’s life spiritually and socially. Edmund has grown in his faith (was baptized this past Sunday!) and has excelled at school and in his relationships…all while entering the middle school era. BTW, today is his birthday!! My hilarious boy is 12 years old!!!

I’m thankful for the healing that God has brought into my daughter’s life. She struggled a lot with anxiety and depression the beginning of this year. In June she began seeing a counselor and started on medication. It’s been great to see my joyful kind-hearted girl again! Plus, Elise went to Honey Rock camp this summer for 12-days and her inner fierceness emerged — she fell in love with rock climbing and riflery! God has also brought some great friendships into her life.

I’m thankful for how God has worked in my life through the hard. He has grown my faith as I have learned to trust him and his faithfulness through the good and the bad. I’m thankful for the church God lead us to four months ago. I have a freedom and joy that I didn’t realize had been missing the past few years. I feel like God has brought me back to life!

I’m thankful for my parents, my sister, and her family who has stood by our family through the hard. My parents moved to the new church with us and God has already used them there! We were most concerned about the transition for my mom, who has dementia, but she LOVES it and looks forward to church every Sunday. She’s the perfect example of “people might not remember what you say, but they remember how you feel.”

Thank you God for upholding and sustaining all of my family through the really hard times this year. And I know that you will continue to sustain us in the years to come.

I’m thankful for God’s faithfulness to me and my family…his promises are strong and true.

A couple of weeks ago, we sang the song “Promises” in church. The words really spoke to me and all God has done in my life:

“God of Abraham, You’re the God of covenant, of faithful promises. Time and time again You have proven You do just want You say.

“Though the storms may come and the winds may blow, I’ll remain steadfast. And let my heart learn when You speak a word, it will come to pass.

“Great is Your faithfulness to me. Great is Your faithfulness to me. From the rising sun to the setting same, I will praise Your name. Great is Your faithfulness to me.

“God from age to age, though the earth may pass away, Your Word remains the same. Your history can prove there’s nothing You can’t do — You’re faithful and true.

“Though the storms may come and the winds may blow, I’ll remain steadfast. And let my heart learn when You speak a word, it will come to pass.

“Great is Your faithfulness to me. Great is Your faithfulness to me. From the rising sun to the setting same I will praise Your name. Great is Your faithfulness to me.

“I put my faith in Jesus. My anchor to the ground. My hope and firm foundation. He’ll never let me down…”

Amen. He will never let me down!

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Faith Family

Time For a Change

Have you felt called to do something, but keep putting it off and waiting for a better time? Then, when you finally make the change, you wish you had done it sooner?

Maybe it’s getting healthy? Maybe it’s changing a career? Or maybe it’s leaving the comfort of a place you’ve been a part of for most of your life for something new and different?

I finally cast all fear aside and made a change what God has been prompting me (and my husband) to do for years. After 36 years (!), I said good-bye to my church for another one. Walter and I felt God calling us to move churches about 5-6 years ago, but for one thing or another, we stayed. After all, I’ve been attending that church since I was in first grade. I grew up in that church, met my husband (when we were adults working with the high school youth group) there, got married there, and baptized our children there. I served in the junior high and senior high youth groups for about 9 years and was a part of the worship team for 20+ years!

The easy thing to do was to stay…when God was calling us to better things. Over the summer, God started closing doors and made it so incredibly apparent that now is the time. So, the beginning of August, I said ‘yes’ to God’s plan and went to a different church.

And, WOW, did God move in my heart! I was filled with the Holy Spirit and moved by God’s Word in ways that I had been missing the past 5-6 years. My cup was filled to overflowing and I felt the anger, hurt, and bitterness that had been building inside me disappear. I didn’t realize that those years I chose to stay at my church was failing to fill me and instead continued to drain me. I’ve been running on empty the past few years, finding my faith through personal devotions and listening to worship music, losing my desire for church and community.

I’m thankful I finally listened and took that step toward God’s plans for me and my family. Even though the road has been hard, I’m thankful that God has made it crystal clear that now is the time to leave. I’m thankful that my husband and I are on this journey together.

How about you? Is there something in your life (big or small) that God has been calling you to do? Stop taking the easy road and start living fearlessly.

As I stood with tears in my eyes praising God that first Sunday, I kept thinking, “I wish we had listened and left 5 years ago.” All praise to God who never gives up on us and finds ways to move our stubborn hearts toward all he desires for us.